Lazy Times

Lazy Times

Wine and Dino

I have noticed some things about myself recently. I’m a control freak. I need constant reassurance. I am anal retentive. I have obsessive tendencies.  I feel a need to make everyone happy.  Most of the time, (I hope) I am in control of myself enough that I don’t let these tendencies get too far. I try to keep them under wraps. As a general state of affairs I get my work done and I try to be a good friend/daughter/sister. I don’t drink all that much, usually. But now we get to the crux of this post. It has become apparent to me that when I “let myself go” and have more than three or so drinks, I absolutely get plastered.

                                             

After becoming plastered, all these things I keep control of day to day come out, often in the worst way.  Anyone I may have been harboring feelings (of any kind) for knows within the hour exactly what I think.  I tend to fret that everyone is lying to me, that I’m in my own version of the Truman show.  As a result, I am afraid, I drive back all except those who care about me the very most, my wonderful best friends.  Someone that I rather admire told me recently that he does not fear much in life. I have to admit, I am rather jealous of his cavalier ways, in that sense. This is not to say that this gentleman doesn't have his own fears, but that his differ drastically, or so it seems, from mine. Though I am sure this is not what he meant, it got me thinking about my own fears. It’s strange to me, but I care very little about what strangers think of me. I could and have told a complete stranger my dirtiest secrets. Not because it’s somehow safer, because they don’t know anyone I do (who are they going to tell?) though that is a factor, but because I have put no effort into any sort of relationship with them. I suppose, in the end, I am most afraid of losing people I care about, those who I have worked to keep close, and therefore endeavor to not care about many. As hard as I try, though, I do care. I fall in head first and people become best friends, loves, or family to me in a matter of months, or even weeks.  When plastered, I tend to tell these people this, and I can’t help but worry, after I’ve sobered up, just what kind of damage I may have done. Bottom line, I need to stop getting drunk, drink only a bit, and rarely, and confront these fears by simply spending time with those people I love.  Maybe we should all do the same, quell our various fears by spending time with those we love. Because when it comes down to it, what else matters?