Lazy Travels

I have not blogged in quite a while, partially because of (the expected) lazyness, some because of the fact that I have been in various European cities for the last twenty days!

see? there I am in London! Standing in the Thames. Scaring the tourists. It's been wonderful! I also visited Ireland, and now I'm in Paris, which leads me to something neither funny nor amusing, just something I generally want to ramble about.

The French.  They are infamous for their rudeness.  Yes, I have run into some rude people.  Yes, I've even gotten in two separate, multilingual screaming matches.  It strikes me, however, that I've only had trouble when I was already stressed, or not in the best of moods.  Now, I refuse to take all of the blame.  In both instances, the (other) offending party WAS terribly rude.  In most of my other interactions with the French, however, everything has been fine.  They don't seem to be a terribly warm people, but they have been polite enough.  It strikes me that I am not the easiest person to placate, and that I am rather lazy, especially when I am stressed and out of my element.  So, my question is, if the great big "we" (they're cousins of 'they') went to Paris remembering that is IS indeed a different culture, would we leave feeling so slighted?  I can't believe that we would.  Now, should all of "us" (another cousin to 'we' and 'they') be extra warm and try desperately to make the people of Paris like us?  Absolutely not.  Over large smiles and upward inflection when ending our sentences would only serve, I believe, to make those less-than-terribly-warm people even more standoffish.  Can you imagine having someone with a terrible English leaning toward you, massive smile plastered across their face, trying to obtain information?  I'd probably be wondering where the nearest police officer was.  So, tomorrow, when I am on yet another of my Paris adventures, I will try to "do as the Romans do;" Keep my head cool and simply ask for information in a professional manner, then move the heck on.  Maybe I'll have better luck.  And maybe, just maybe, if I put aside my laziness and attempted to understand "them" (it's quite a large family) I might really enjoy myself.

Au Revoir!

i almost died!

ok, not really. but kind of. cause i was stuck in a circle in a circle in a circle of people. and they were touching me. and i couldn't get out. this make no sense does it?

ok, from the beginning.

i have an anxiety disorder. this means that i will suddenly and with only a small bit of warning become absolutely positive that i am going to die within the next 5 minutes, usually after being murdered. this homicidal maniac is a zombie man with dreadlocks and no teeth and oozing sores and a ripped icp shirt that hides in any place available

so while my panic attack is happening and all i want to do is get in bed with a knife to protect myself because i'm not allowed to have a gun i have to first go through several "checking" steps:

my coat closet.

inside my egg chair

behind my coffee table

in the closet with the ac unit

in the pantry

under the sink

in the oven

in the refrigerator

in the dogs' crate

behind the shower curtain

in the laundry closet

in the washer

in the dryer

under my bed

in my clothes closet

apparently my homicidal maniac is also a contortionist.

so then i climb in bed with a butcher knife and wait out my panic attack, expecting any moment to have the covers ripped off by mr. icp zombie and be flayed and have a wig made of my scalp and be raped and then murdered and be buried in a snake pit so i could be terrified even in death and all because when i was walking my dogs a car started unexpectedly and it startled me or because i had to go to walmart by myself or because i got a bad grade on a test or because someone stood too near me in line at the pharmacy where i was getting my calm down meds so i wouldn't have these attacks but when i take them i become a zombie and i don't like that either and so i don't take them.

so, i'm at one of my ballroom dance "practice parties," having a nice time, dancing with my instructor, when, out of no where, like a speeding bullet of horrifying horribleness, the other students decide to begin the most wasp-y, terrible, despicable "dance" known to weddings, mitzvahs, and anniversary parties everywhere:

the conga line

so the conga line started as just that: a line. AND THEN they began to circle. and that circle became two. and those circles became three. till it was a mass of people around myself and my instructor and i'm sure they're all going to kill me and finally it breaks up and i can breathe but i'm still sure he's out there. somewhere. starting a conga line of death. i'm on to you, scary murder man. 

AND THAT'S HOW I ALMOST DIED. in an inception dance death circle. how depressing. 

Tech week

So. I haven’t blogged in ages, and since it’s now one of my busiest weeks of the year, it is clearly the best time to start again. You may not know this, but from time to time, I become a ninja. Or, as some call us, a techie. I do technical work for theatre productions. This involves being silent and knowing everything and making everything happen with no recognition and no thanks. It’s awesome. As a result of this thankless job, several sayings have been made popular such as: “tech; because no one would come to see a naked mime on an empty stage in the dark” and “I’m a tech. be nice to me. I control the two ton wall hanging above your head.” Techs make everything happen but the acting and singing its self. This is a normal tech situation: 

An actor, standing about, not caring much, while we run around like crazy people, one person doing eight people’s jobs, stressing out because everything needs to happen at once. The actor is all pretty and happy and carefree, while the tech are running around trying to be ninjas, moving several hundred  pound set pieces with PEOPLE INSIDE OF THEM.

Anyway, after the opening weekend, we have “dark week”. It’s great. You get a whole three days to recoup before going at it again. Still, dark week tricks you back into cheery-ness so that before, during dark week you become as you were. Then, after, on the second to last show, you’re ready to kill everyone. 

After all of this, the very last show comes around. And suddenly, you love these people, you can’t imagine not seeing them every day, and that tiny crush you had on one of the actors makes you feel like you’ll never find love if this particular person leaves your life. You may even cry. You become best friends with folks that you had not known existed a month earlier. It’s horrible, exhausting, dramatic, life consuming, and so very wonderful that I wouldn’t know what to do without it. Once you have the theatre bug, you’re done for. It has you, and your life will never be the same. 

Lazy Ballroom Dancing

So. I am taking ballroom dancing classes. It's super fun! Well, for everyone else. I fall. A lot. Like in every lesson. and I am less than graceful. What in the hell convinced me that this was a good idea? It is unfathomable to me. Apparently, I had a momentary lapse in judgement, where i forgot that i don't like to be touched, don;t like groups of people, don't like people watching me. am clumsy, can't remember anything, and when i am anxious because of all of these, i stiffen up and dance even more poorly. i went to a open house type party and saw everyone dancing and had a couple glasses of sangria, after witch i had visions of myself being beautiful and graceful. like this:

happiness, and spinning, and rainbows, and stars and music and perfectness. instead, my dancing is like this:



 yeah. my poor instructor must wonder why he got stuck with a clumsy dinosaur to try to teach dance steps to. i know he gets frustrated. maybe I'll just eat him.

Lazy Black Friday

So. Black Friday. or as it'd better know to those of us who have worked retail, one day of pure, unadluterated hell

i stayed far, far away. instead, i visited the family again. and again, was attacked by the force of their perfectness

even as dinos. they are perfect. ick.

 also. im pretty sure some of those black friday people are zombies. and zombies are dangerous. whats your plan for the zombie apocalypse? mine looks something like this:

click to enlarge

also, im pretty sure that if zombies came, so would dinosaurs. some would come to help us fight the war. others however, would be zombies too. this would possibly be the most dangerous creature ever ever forever, so i have done an amture sketch of what one may look like, so that you know when to run

if you see something even reselbling this run! run as if you have all the happiness and rainbows and kitties and puppies and unicorns in the world to protect! except you'll probably be dead. so bad news for the happiness, rainbows, kitties, puppies, and unicorns. because of you, they are gone. you should just let yourself get eaten.

Lazy Turkey Day

so first i was all yay! turkey and good food, except my family dosent like turkey so we eat ham which is soooo much tastier so i like to call it pig day but that dosent sound as nice.

so anyway. this thanksgiving we are spending at my dad's sister's with all of her good-looking skinny well dressed family and i show up like this, pretty much.

terrible? no. tacky when compared to my horribly preppy cousin and his perfect wife and perfect child?

well yes i just look like a bum. and while the "adults" (which by the way. i am expected to be one of) are chatting about the latest presidential whosywhat and it's effect on whatsis, i am off in a corner, drawing. like this:

i lovelovelove dinosaurs. but they dont understand this. whenever i'm included into the conversation it goes something like this:

real adult: so katie, what's your take on the new thingyamagig policy that will hysteriamernate 85% of all conservativamatrons?

me: dinosaurs! what? oh. um. it's bad?

real adult: how can you say that?! i'm going to smack you with my walking stick made from a unicorn horn!!!

me: but i like unicorns! how dare you kill these magical creatures for your walking purposes.

then we engage in a epic battle of waspy politeness untill i have had enough of the "adultness" and explode into a dino loving unicorn portecting moster of fury but also of cuteness and happiness cause that what unicorns and dinos are.

and then they shun me and make me leave beacuse im scaring the children but all im really trying to do is enlighten then to the awesomeness that is (are?) dinosaurs and unicorns. also zombies. but they're not as cute.

also. i missed ham. cause this side of the family actually has turkey. so at first i was like

and then i was like

so. unicorns and dinosaurs had to be defended, i looked like a bum next to my uber preppy (but sweet) family, and no ham. sad day.

Lazy Fatty

So, the problem with my Lazy Katie lifestyle is that I AM rather lazy. The issue with THIS is that it is quite easy to gain weight, but not so easy to lose it. So I began to look for easy, lazy ways to burn calories. Now, friends, I provide you with easy, lazy everyday tasks and the ways they help.

Chew Sugar-Free Gum.
Not the nicest habit, but it burns eleven calories an hour. How nice!
Wear More Layers
Sounds silly, but wearing more clothing or a sweat suit helps by making you sweat and melting fat! In the same vein, wrapping cellophane ( Mr. Cellophane, shoulda been my name...)* around your stomach and other fatty areas will also give fast results. Be warned, though, cellophane can rub and itch. Not for sensitive skin!

Drink Water

Drinking an ice cold beverage all day long . We are supposed to drink eight 16 ounce glasses of water a day anyway, but to make it better, drinking an ice cold beverage all day raises your metabolism and burns an extra 100 calories! Just make sure you're drinking a zero calorie beverage!

Give a Massage

I don't know about ya'll but I am asked almost daily to give my sweetheart a massage. Well, go ahead an earn those brownie points because a twenty minute massage can burn 100 calories for you!

Now for the fun stuff! One of my biggest bolggie crushes is Jen over at Cake Wrecks. She's funny, geekie, and I think she's great! One of my favorite of her posts goes with this picture.

 

Any guesses?
Nope, not Princess Leia, though I do see where you got that, what with those poo-like swirls.

No, not Elvis either, though those would be some pretty bangin' sideburns.
THIS, my friends is MICKEY MOUSE. Supposedly. Check out Cake Wrecks, it's a daily obsession for me!

That's it for me today! Everyone have a great day and, as always, stay Lazy!

*Extra points if you caught my Chicago reference!